Movie reviews from Slim and Whitey.



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Slim's Picks

A place where Slim lists his review and synopsis of the latest movies. Slim has kind of a learning disorder and a memory problem, but it hasn't held him back in life. Slim's picks are rated using doughnuts because in his world they are considered currency - a thousand doughnuts equals roughly one dollar depending on the strength of the Yen.

Even More One Line Movie Reviews
Here is a recap of the latest movies.

XXX: State of the Union -- "Sequel to 'XXIX: Another Terrible Movie'."

The Interpreter -- "You'll need an interpreter that translates a bad plot
into a good one."

A Lot Like Love -- "This is a lot like a movie that I don't love."

House of Wax -- "Yet another movie where Paris Hilton sucks."

Even More One Line Movie Reviews
Here is a recap of the latest movies. Can you say low hanging fruit?

The Pacifier -- "This movie sucks."

The Ring Two -- "I think it was supposed to be entitled, 'The Ring Also'."

Guess Who -- "A fresh take on racism."

Ice Princess -- "A semi-fact based look at the life of my ex-wife."

Melinda and Melinda -- "This movie sucks and sucks."

Fock You -- Meet the Fockers Premiere Recap
I walked into the theater with my date for the evening -- she is a struggling actress looking for her big break and there was little that I was going to do for her as she will find out years later. Looking fine in my "Bull Shirt" t-shirt under a navy blazer, we were completely missed by the photographers and press. We did get to meet Ben "Mother Focking" Stiller. It was the most amazing focking experience of my life to that point. He is a funny fock. The movie was focking close to 2 hours and filled with funny moments and focking repetition of that focking joke. "Meet the Parents" is clearly better (Owen Wilson providing some memorable moments), but this wasn't too bad for a sequel and yes the book was still better.

PS. And I thought Saturday Night Live was only able to take one line and make it a premise for an entire movie.

One Line Movie Reviews
Here is a recap of the latest movies (unedited). Don't worry, I don't even get a lot of these.

Taxi -- "Steve Martin called and wanted his script back."

The Forgotten -- "What the hell was this movie about?"

Fahrenheit 9/11 -- "This movie is hot -- 761.49 Kelvin to be exact."

Mr. 3000 -- "When I went on opening day, I even yelled at the screen."

Ladder 49 -- "This movie caused a small fire in my pants."

Ladder 49 (take 2) -- "The sequel to Ladder 48 from the Leprechaun director."

Resident Evil -- "A modern day Odd Couple."

Friday Night Lights -- "Get ready for another motivational football movie."

Friday Night Lights (take 2) -- "Rudy called and wanted his script back."

The Bourne Supremacy -- "Originally titled, "The Bourne-Again White Supremacist'."

Shark Tale (2004)
Rating: MPAA PG
Theatrical Release: 10/1/2004

"Two doughnuts"

It was 20 minutes into the movie before realized that those lips were a cartoon version of Will Smith's real lips. Animation has come a long way and I didn't even question it. Well, I did think to myself, "How much would you have to pay for just Smith's lips to star?" After box office success with animated movies set in the ocean and starring sass talking, human imitating fish, Shark Tale gives us a window into the lives of the animals that vegetarians still eat without personal convictions. The movie is also educational and possibly could replace a high school biology class. Sharks have tales, and we definitely evolved from fish.

Shark Tale is no Finding Nemo -- they are not looking for anything the whole time. Despite this, a brief suspension of disbelief, and tolerance of some puns, the movie is fintastic, I tale you. Shark the herald angels sing, okay enough floundering around. The irony is that the main character is named, "Oscar." Hmm, I see an "MTV Movie Award" in its not so distant future. I rate it Two Doughnuts (I would have rated it more with a well timed single from Will Smith, the Eels or a collaboration with Hootie and the Blowfish or a remix by Moby).

One Line Movie Recaps
This is a new feature, however similar to One Line Movie Reviews found here as well. One Line Movie Recaps is where I recap the movie in one line without any knowledge of the film. Sounds like an appendix waiting to be removed.

The Village -- "The auto-biographical film of Hillary Rodham Clinton."

I, Robot -- "Reminiscent of Pink Floyd's The Wall, I, Robot is the first person narrative from Styx"

White Chicks -- "A white-face exploitation film."

Where have I been?
I want to answer this question with a question: Have you ever played Doom? It's nice and comfortable in my Mom's basement -- radon, musky Led Zeppelin records, and a deck of playing cards missing the 3 of spades keep me company in my cement fortress. Along the way, I have been watching a lot of movies and reviewing them. As it turns out, my imaginary friend who claimed to be a stenographer, turned out to be an imaginary liar. So, a lot of my nuggets of wisdom and comedic genius were lost in the catacombs of my uncarpeted palace. I'll recap with some one line reviews and promise for more updates.

One Line Movie Reviews
As promised, a recap of the latest movies.

The Stepford Wives -- "I liked it the first time when it was called, 'The Stepford Wives'."

Garfield -- "They should make this movie into a play, but instead of an animated cat, Garfield could be played by a human dressed as a cat."

The Day After Tomorrow -- "I'll see it again the day after never."

13 Going on 30 -- "And I thought that I repeated myself. And I thought that I repeated myself."

The Passion of The Christ -- "I will not write anything bad about this movie or even think it for fear of being smoted."

S.W.A.T. (2003)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): Sony Pictures Releasing
Theatrical Release: 8/8/2003

"One doughnut"

Okay, I have to warn you. This plot synopsis might not make any sense. I watched the movie after having a tooth pulled and lots of Mexican food. My face was numb and I was sleepy. Let me fess up, I don't really remember anything at all about this movie. I have cloudy thoughts of someone yelling at the screen, some one-liners, and LL Cool J.

This is the kind of movie that you go to see if you are forced to by a girlfriend that is in love with Sam Jackson. I don't have a girlfriend, but I don't want you to miss the point -- S.W.A.T.S.U.C.K.S. I give it a rating of One Doughnut for naming a character "Brian 'Poker' Gamble".

One Line Movie Reviews
There are lots of movies out right now, so what I will do is review some recent ones that I saw in only one line.

The Matrix: Reloaded -- "Silly rabbit, the matrix is for kids."

Holes -- "Like the ones in the plot."

The In-Laws -- "Can anyone say, 'Meet the Parents'?"

Daddy Day Care -- "It's like Eddie Murphy is proving to us that he is not funny."

X2: X-Men United -- "Not one of the humans mutated into a good actor"

Bruce Almighty -- "All mighty then."

The Lizzie McGuire Movie -- "It's not the misinformed sequel to Jerry McGuire."

75th Annual Academy Award Picks
Honestly, I was not impressed by the movies this year. I am sitting here in my mom's basement trying to think of one good descent flick that I saw last year. I did see COMEDIAN from Jerry Seinfeld and loved that, but no one else saw it I guess. This year will be different - thank God for BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE.

Here's my list of winners:

The Oscar for best DIRECTING goes to THE PIANIST - A well-crafted sequel to THE PIANO.

The Oscar for best WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY) goes to ADAPTATION - I think a movie named after the category should win.

The Oscar for best SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION) goes to J'ATTENDRAI LE SUIVANT - It's the kind of short that you watch several times and still don't know what's about.

The Oscar for best COSTUME DESIGN goes to CHICAGO - Every bad boy has a soft side.

The Oscar for best ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE goes to Adrien Brody - The only one on the list I have never heard of.

The Oscar for best ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE goes to Salma Hayek - She couldn't be more attractive to me if she was deep fried and sprinkled with powdered sugar.

And, the rest of the Oscars go to THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS - Everyone loves those little bastards prancing on the screen for 6 hours at a time.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): New Line Cinema (LA) Aurum
Theatrical Release: 12/18/2002

"Three doughnuts"

I was invited to an advanced screening of this movie, once again not knowing what I was privy to seeing. My research only involves assuming everything from the title of the movie. After sitting through the screening, I realized that I was the only person pointing out the irony between it and The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, which made me sad. Besides all of that, this was the long anticipated sequel to The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Seems like forever ago since we saw the last one a year past. I like these movies because it gets the loners, geeks, nerds, etc. some much needed time in a dark room staring at a flickering screen while downing salty snacks and Mountain Dew.

The last time I reviewed Lord of the Rings, New Line checked it out and did not like all of the negativity, so this time around I'll tone it down. This movie was GREAT and it should not be renamed to The Lord of the Rings: More of the Same Stuff with No Ending. Three doughnuts for this adaptation of the book of the same name.

Drumline (2002)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): 20th Century Fox (USA)
Theatrical Release: 12/13/2002

"Half a doughnut"

This movie is just stupid.

I think Orlando Jones is extremely funny and has a promising career ahead of him, but I hope this movie doesn't yank him into obscurity prematurely. As for the rest of the 118 minute "thriller", please see synopsis above. The rating is half a doughnut for Orlando Jones.

The Tuxedo (2002)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): Dreamworks SKG (USA)
Theatrical Release: 9/27/2002

"Two doughnuts"

Aptly-named "The Tuxedo" is oddly enough about a tuxedo. Jimmy Tong (we're running out of Asian character names I see) is played by Jackie Chan (we're running out of Asian character names I see). Mr. Tong tries on his boss's prized tuxedo -- the forbidden fruit of suits so to speak -- and Jimmy Tong develops super abilities, cunning wit, and charm, but he is denied the ability to act and speak English clearly. Here's the catch, he has to wear the tux to exhibit the super human abilities. I go for weeks wearing the same clothes and I haven't developed any special abilities yet. A movie about that would have to be called, "The Sweat Suit". With his newly discovered skills, he and partner Del Blaine (J-Love) solve crimes and better human-kind.

Don't take a chan-ce on this movie. It should be renamed to "The Suxedo" (I picked the low hanging fruit with that one). I give this movie a rating of two whole doughnuts out of five since Jennifer Love Hewitt is so hot.

Slim Speaks Out (Part 2)
I get tons of email asking me, "Why are you so critical of movies?" A friend of mine and I were talking about this recently. As I noted then, I think as time goes by, my expectations go up and the movies reflect societal acceleration towards rock bottom. Right now, we are at the point where those lines cross and rapidly pull away from each other. Here's a list of movies that will deserve timeshared in a trash can.
  • Juwanna Man
  • Like Mike
  • Swimfan

xXx (2002)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): Sony Pictures Releasing (USA)
Theatrical Release: 8/9/2002

"Half of a doughnut"

I'm not sure what this movie was about. Apparently, I was in the wrong theatre or movie as this was nothing that I had expected.

I don't really have much of a review since I left two minutes into it. So I give this movie a rating of half of a doughnut out of five possible for the severely misleading title, lack of nudity, and for casting a guy that is named after a petroleum product.

Windtalkers (2002)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): Buena Vista Distribution Company (USA)
Theatrical Release: 8/2/2002

"One doughnut"

WWII Marine Joe Enders (Nick Cage) is assigned to protect Ben Yahzee (brother to Plays Monopoly), a Navajo code talker and the Marines' new secret weapon against the Japanese. First things first, Nick should not be allowed in front of a camera. His acting style is like watching my dog running the gamut of emotions. And to top things off, John Whoa should not be able to direct a movie with so much potential story. I think John What and Steven Spielberg got their scripts switched. Spielberg could have done wonders with this premise, but he choose another one of my favorites, The Minority Report. Apparently, John Woo subscribes to the shampoo style of filmmaking -- 20 seconds of drama followed by 15 minutes of pointless action and violence and repeat. Windtalkers might have been better if it was really the much anticipated sequel to Cut the Cheese (starring John Goudaman) and renamed to Windbreakers.

I have a code that if you break, will reveal the review: WAPSO*(@#THISMOVIEISBAD*(#JHKLAS?. Try watching something else starring Nick Cage to discover his wide-range of character portrayals. This movie is worth one whole doughnut out of five.

Spider-Man (2002)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): Sony Pictures Entertainment (USA)
Theatrical Release: 5/3/2002

"Four doughnuts"

Peter Parker is a student who gains superhuman strength and the spiderlike ability to cling to any surface after being bitten by a genetically altered spider. Spider-Man is played by action star Tobey Maguire, who we remember from action-packed flicks like Pleasantville (don't let the town name fool you -- it was everything but pleasant), Cider House Rules (renamed after poor response from the original title "Cider House Nazis"), and Wonder Boys (his first Marvel comic-based movie). Kirsten Dunst protest too much. I often wonder about what it would be like to be a man with spiderlike abilities. Actually, I never really thought about it before, but it would be cool to be able to make your own web -- it could be your own website --

This movie in no way resembles Superman, Batman, or Me, Myself & Irene, which sets it apart and the plot lines are not similar at all. This movie is going to be huge. You pay for a whole seat, but you will only need the edge of it. I give it a rating of four doughnuts out of five.

Slim Speaks Out
Usually I don't get on soapboxes about stuff, but this time, I have to say something. I have to lift up the yellow card. Between "Snow Dogs" and "Rollerball", we are in for some horrible movies. What did we do to deserve this? I gave up reading for this? By the time this decade is over, we will have seen every remake possible, 5-7 more Arnold Schwarzenegger flicks, Scary Movie 3, and a movie with someone who dances. This is just a word of warning before you walk up to the Box Office and have to mortgage the house for a pair of tickets, a jumbo sized popcorn, milk duds, and a bucket of soda.

74th Annual Academy Award Picks
There is some big hype about this years Academy Award Ceremonies - everyone is guessing at who will win the big prizes. With my infinite wisdom concerning TV, music, and namely films, I think I could come close at picking the winners. You heard it here first.

Here's my list of winners:

The Oscar for best FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM goes to SON OF THE BRIDE - I really liked FATHER OF THE BRIDE, so why not?

The Oscar for best DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT goes to THOTH - Why all of the blank stares?

The Oscar for best ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE goes to Jennifer Connelly - It's a lock since she is related to Sean Connelly.

The Oscar for best ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE does not go to Halle Berry for SWORDFISH.

The Oscar for best SHORT FILM -- LIVE ACTION goes to COPY SHOP - Brilliant work, catch it at the DC Film Festival.

The Oscar for best ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE goes to Russell Hawke - Or is it, Cameron Hawke, Ethan Crowe?

And, the Oscar for best BEST PICTURE goes to COLLATERAL DAMAGE - Two words - Arnold Rocks. (Or, maybe A BEAUTIFUL MIND - Who can tell?)

Crossroads (2002)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): MTV Films/Paramount Pictures
Theatrical Release: 2/15/2002

"Four and half doughnuts"

Naughty, naughty.

This is probably the best movie that I saw since Glitter. I give it a rating of four and a half doughnuts. Why, you ask?

The Lord of the Rings:
The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Rating: MPAA PG-13
Distributor(s): New Line Cinema (USA)
Theatrical Release: 12/19/2001

"One doughnut"

First let me clear up any confusion. I thought that I was going to see the Mohammed Ali biography film at first. I soon realized that I was at the wrong movie. "The Lord of the Rings" title threw me way off. After I watched this movie, I came out into the lobby and saw the marquee revealing that there was a movie called "Ali". After minutes of quick deduction, I figured out that this was the Ali movie that I intended to see. The whole time while sitting through "The Lord of the Rings", I kept saying to myself is that elf Will Smith? Anyway, this movie is based off of the classic trilogy from J.R.R. Tolkien. Remember the Hobbit and those other books about Frodo, who inherits a magic ring and other cheap jewelry from his cousin Bilbo. Bilbo can be heard saying repeatedly, "Trust me it's real gold and the guy on the street corner said that it was a real Rolex." I'm pretty sure that there were other things in this movie.

The problem with this movie is that there are too many elves and dwarfs in it. It's also hard for me to like this movie because I'm aware of everything else that is involved in liking fantasy stuff. I don't want to start collecting pewter dragons or buy amethyst crystals, twelve sided die, and other things that reek geek. My rating is one whole doughnut - for a recreation of classic literature, this one takes the cake.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Rating: MPAA PG
Distributor(s): Warner Bros. (USA)
Theatrical Release: 11/16/2001

"One Doughnut"

The long awaited movie for the children and parents (who think that they like this kind of stuff) to go see. The movie is about magic and wizardry, but the only real magic trick was the one where they made a two hour movie out of a book that could take a person with a third-grade education about 30 minutes to read. The movie is so long that they will have to put baby changing stations in the theaters for all of the little tikes that can't hold it so well. Harry Potter (Daniel Ratcliffe) and the Sorcerer's Stone played by The Rock met up at a school for little wizards. I remember that when I was a kid. All of those smart kids would be put in a special class. I was never allowed in, but I bet they were doing something involving wizard like things. I went to school with the special kids, where the only magic going on was watching me make the Elmer's glue disappear.

Please go see this movie. You'll probably like it. You'll probably need to get one of those nifty owls to follow you around. The one saving grace is that I like seeing people read. I don't read personally, but I like to watch you read while you fell uncomfortable. Have you ever tried reading while someone was starring at you. No? Well, I'll get to you at some point. My rating is one whole doughnut - it would been half of a doughnut, but after sitting through this work of art, I had no desire. And folks, if I can't eat, there is something very, very wrong.

On the Line (2001)
Rating: MPAA PG
Distributor(s): Miramax Films (USA)
Theatrical Release: 10/26/2001

"Doughnut and a half"

There was this guy, I think he was played by Lance Bass (is it Bass as in a fish or Bass as in an instrument), in the movie that meets a girl, Emmanuelle from the tribe Chriqui. Guess what? The guy likes the girl, but the guy doesn't get the girl's digits. So how can they fall in love if he can't call her? Well, she will have to call him. So, this guy named Rob or Rod (Al Fatone) and the other guy decides to put up signs all over the city with the guy's phone number on it. I will leave the rest a secret, but it would make for a bad movie if they never met up again. But really, what can you expect for $8.50?

I'm not a fan of boy bands, but this is not too bad, except for the fact that I have admitted to the whole world that I saw this movie. I give this a doughnut and a half out of a possible five - I ate the other half or it might have been 2 whole ones.

Thirteen Ghosts (2001)
Rating: MPAA R
Distributor(s): Columbia Pictures
Theatrical Release: 10/26/2001

"Half a doughnut"

Just in time for Halloween - Thirteen Ghosts. I hate to be a spoiler, but there are approximately 13 ghosts in this movie. My dad calls those styrofoam packaging peanuts ghost turds. Not sure why I thought of that (wink). I think there was some nudity, but out of respect for my girlfriend, I didn't look at the screen during the naughty parts. OK, it wasn't my girlfriend, but there was a girl a couple of rows in front of me that I exchanged awkward glances with in the bathroom.

This movie should be renamed to "There Were Thirteen Moments During the Movie That I Wished I Didn't Go See This Movie". I give this a rating of half of a doughnut out of a possible five, which is my lowest rating except for those nights when I hate the world.

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